SPD, Abuse and Mental Health

Today's post might seem a little bit all over the page, so I'd like to apologize if it seems a bit jumbled.  But this has been a topic that has sitting in my mind for quite some time already.

I had touched on a previous post about how bullying is prevalent in the lives of children with special needs, and how this also translates to the same effects as one undergoing abuse of any form.  What we haven't touched on is how this then affects the mental health of our precious little ones.

So let's recap on the types of abuse that are out there, as defined by Childhelp:

1. Physical Abuse - the act of physically hurting a child. This includes "striking, kicking, burning, biting, hair pulling, choking, throwing, shoving, whipping or any other action that injures a child. Even if the caregiver didn’t mean to cause injury, when the child is injured it is abuse. Physical discipline from a parent that does not injure or impair a child is not considered abuse; however non-violent alternatives are always available."
2. Sexual Abuse - the act of using sex as a means to break down a child's self-worth and dignity. It is also "when an adult uses a child for sexual purposes or involves a child in sexual acts. It also includes when a child who is older or more powerful uses another child for sexual gratification or excitement."
3. Emotional or Psychological Abuse - "When a parent or caregiver harms a child’s mental and social development, or causes severe emotional harm, it is considered emotional abuse. While a single incident may be abuse, most often emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior that causes damage over time."
4. Child Neglect - This is when "a parent or caregiver does not give the care, supervision, affection and support needed for a child’s health, safety and well-being. Child neglect includes - physical neglect and inadequate supervision, emotional neglect, medical neglect, educational neglect."

Abuse is all about control and power.  And sadly a lot of children are victims to this sick game they play.  According to this article published on July 25, 2016 by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, a newspaper publication in the Philippines:

As many as 2,147 cases (emphasis mine) of child abuse were reported to the Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD) in the first quarter of this year, more than one–fourth of which was of a sexual nature.

The figure was nearly half of the total 4,374 child abuse cases reported in the entire year of 2015, according to the Policy Development and Planning Bureau of the DSWD.

That's a huge number and extremely distressing.  And the best way to combat this is by awareness.

So let's look at some of the common strategies used by abusers to manipulate their victims.

PsychCentral lists these 8 common tactics used by narcissistic and abusive spouses, but these also apply to parent-children relationships, as well those between friends.  These are also tactics used by abusive people, even if they're not diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  They say, and I quote:

1. Rage – This is an intense, furious anger that comes out of nowhere, usually over nothing (remember the wire hanger scene from the movie “Mommie Dearest”). It startles and shocks the victim into compliance or silence.
2. Gaslighting – Narcissistic mental abusers lie about the past, making their victim doubt her memory, perception, and sanity. They claim and give evidence of her past wrong behavior further causing doubt. She might even begin to question what she said a minute ago.
3. The Stare – This is an intense stare with no feeling behind it. It is designed to scare a victim into submission, and is frequently mixed with the silent treatment.
4. Silent Treatment – Narcissists punish by ignoring. Then they lets their victim “off the hook” by demanding an apology even though she isn’t to blame. This is to modify her behavior. They also have a history of cutting others out of their life permanently over small things.
5. Projection – They dump their issues onto their victim as if she were the one doing it. For instance, narcissistic mental abusers may accuse their spouse of lying when they have lied. Or they make her feel guilty when he is really guilty. This creates confusion.
6. Twisting – When narcissistic spouses are confronted, they will twist it around to blame their victims for their actions. They will not accept responsibility for their behavior and insist that their victim apologize to them.
7. Manipulation – A favorite manipulation tactic is for the narcissist to make their spouse fear the worst, such as abandonment, infidelity, or rejection. Then they refute it and ask her for something she normally would reply with “No.” This is a control tactic to get her to agree to do something she wouldn’t.
8. Victim Card – When all else fails, the narcissist resorts to playing the victim card. This is designed to gain sympathy and further control behavior.

I would add to this list another common tactic called bunny boiling.  Out of the FOG has a list of other traits, which includes this, and they define it as "a reference to an iconic scene in the movie 'Fatal Attraction' in which the main character Alex, who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, kills the family's pet rabbit and boils it on the stove. Bunny Boiling has become a popular reference to how people sometimes exhibit their rage by behaving destructively towards symbolic, important or treasured possessions or representations of those whom they wish to hurt, control or intimidate" (emphasis mine).

And how does abuse affect mental health?

The Natural Child Traumatic Stress Network lists some long and short term effects of abuse in children.  In the short term, children who are being abused can exhibit the following behaviors:

• Generalized anxiety
• Sleeplessness
• Nightmares
• Difficulty concentrating
• High activity levels
• Increased aggression
• Increased anxiety about being separated from a parent
• Intense worry about their safety or the safety of a parent

In the long term, and with consistent exposure to abuse, the child can develop:

• Physical health problems
• Behavior problems in adolescence (e.g., juvenile delinquency, alcohol, substance abuse)
• Emotional difficulties in adulthood (e.g., depression, anxiety disorders, PTSD)

Scary, isn't it?

This is why I urge you, whether you have SPD yourself, or it's your child who has it, to educate and equip yourself with everything you can possibly find out on the condition, especially if your child has other conditions like ASD, Asperger's, Down's Syndrome or anything that has co-morbidity with SPD.  I have heard of many, many cases of a child who was mistreated because of many misconceptions surrounding SPD, especially because of the damaging myth that SPD can be cured by more discipline.  It takes more than a cookie cutter statement to generalize all children with SPD.

Makes you wonder how many mentally damaged children have since grown up and have become mentally damaged adults?  

I am of the opinion that the best discipline is utilizing all the tools you have in your arsenal.  I'm not looking to start a debate about spanking as a tool or how damaging it is.  What I am advocating is you need to know, as your child's parent, what's the best way to get your child to understand that you're trying to help.  That you're not the enemy.  Your child is not acting up as a deliberate attempt to spite you.

Your child is asking for help.

So please, find out what makes them tick.  Get to know your child well enough that you will do things to help them cope through life.  Validate them.  Listen to them.  Get all the information you need from doctors, therapists, experts.  Don't stop advocating for your child, or yourself, if you have it.

You break the cycle of abuse by waking up and making a conscious effort to do differently, to act against the conditioning that was received.  This is how we protect future generations from abuse, and how we create an environment for mentally stable, and functioning children, who grow into dependable and caring adults.