Things I am Learning as a Special Needs Parent

In any journey in life, there will always be lessons and takeaways we can glean.  Our experiences have always been a teacher in our lives, some even say the best teacher we could ever have.  I don't think this journey with R is any different. There's so much I have learned, so much I am still learning, and so much more I have yet to learn.

I credit my training and experience as a teacher for many of what I know about child-raising and teaching.  I credit the experience I had in caring for my baby brother (of course under the watchful eyes of my parents and little bro's caregivers) for giving me the opportunity to learn the skills on baby care.

I didn't go into parenting blind, but I don't think I was fully prepared for parenting either, much less being the parent of a special needs kid.

So here's what I have learned, and most likely still learning, about being a special needs parent.

• There is no one-size-fits-all technique.
• There's a ton of books out there in the market with parenting advice, giving out guarantees on how so and so technique will result into a well-behaved, smart, well-adjusted, socially and emotionally stable child.  These books often come with a sort of list of things to do and what not to do for said kid to follow.  I fell for that mistake with Babywise by Gary Ezzo only for it to completely fail and for me to realize that what works for other kids might not always work for mine!
• With that said, I have learned that the best thing to do for your kid is to really get to know how he/she ticks.  Get to know them so well that you know what techniques work and what don't.  I'm not saying this will guarantee you a little angel all the time.  Trust me, we've had quite a few meltdowns and arguments over this.  But you learn as you go along and what's important is that your little one feels safe to make whatever mistakes and learn from experience and example.  The same applies to you as a parent.
• Don't be afraid to share your experiences.
• I have learned so much from the older women in life- my mom, aunts, friends in church, friends who are moms, friends who are not moms... The list can go on.  I've always been very open with people about R's SPD diagnosis and how we're coping with it.  The great thing about this is that you learn from each other, and it helps you grow as a parent as well as a chance to encourage each other with whatever difficulties you or they are facing.  It's also a great resource to learn from women who are older and have been down that path, as their wisdom is precious.
• Be an intentional parent.
• Everything you do comes down to your choices.  You choose how you react or respond to situations that are beyond your control.  You choose whether or not to snap at your spouse or child when you've had a bad day and they're acting up.  
• Make the conscious effort to respond with wisdom, not react with emotion.  I remember coming home from a really horrible day at work, and R was so active that night.  He wasn't being naughty or mischievous or anything.  He was just being playful and his usual bouncy self, but I was so tired and discouraged that I didn't have the energy to deal with him.  It took me a lot of prayers asking God to help me stay calm, and by His grace, I managed to still play and be pleasant with R.  But boy, was it so tempting and so much easier to explode on him for grating on my nerves.  I just had to remind myself that it wasn't R's fault that I had a bad day, and it wouldn't be fair to him if I took that out on him.
• Sometimes you need to try something unconventional, because the traditional method doesn't always work.
• That's one of the big things I picked up from this experience, because traditional methods don't always work with R.  Teaching him, feeding him, interacting with him, even travelling with him.  The sensory issues can disrupt a lot of things, and most times you and your child have to learn the coping skills necessary to contain the sensory overload or satisfy the sensory craving.
• That said, don't feel pressured to make your child conform to the standards of his peers.  Hurrying a child too quickly is like cutting a cocoon open while the butterfly is struggling to get out.  You think you're helping, but in reality you just took away the one struggle that will cause the wings to strengthen so the butterfly will be able to fly away.  The same goes with our kids.  We need to get to know them, be honest with them, and support them through their learning at their pace and capabilities.
• And finally, recognize that you're both still learning and there is a lot more out there to discover.
• SPD is a fairly new diagnosis, so there's not a lot of information about it out there.  If you or your kid has SPD, I really encourage you to go and find out as much as you can about it.  The links here in this blog are a starting point for you, and try to find out more if you can.  Connect with other parents, especially those who have special needs kids, and learn off each other.  
• Be open with your pediatricians, developmental or regular, about your child's progress.  Always touch base with your child's therapists.  Be updated, be informed, and be discerning as there's also a lot of misinformation and misconceptions out there.  You can combat bias, bullying, and stereotyping by educating yourself and your family about your child's condition.

And there's my little list of learnings so far.  I'm sure there's still more to learn, as I am finding out each day.  It's important to keep an attitude of humility, of being willing to know more, and to be taught.  Our kids, our special little darlings, deserve no less than that.