R is quite an expressive kid, and even with his speech delay, he will let you know if he's upset. We were able to tell the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown really by finding out the source of his distress.
Example 1 - Tantrum
To illustrate, R would have a tantrum if he wanted to play the Wii or the iPad and I would say no. He'll let out a little scream of anger, lie down on the bed or floor and cry. His arms would flail and he'll kick his legs. That's a tantrum. I know because every now and then he'd look at me and wait for me to respond to his expression of anger and disappointment.
My usual answer is this, "I know you want to play the iPad now, but you can't because Daddy is charging it. Why don't we go do something else?" Or it could be, "I know you want to play the Wii with me now but Mommy has to go to work. We'll play tonight when I get home, ok?"
R is so into Candy Crush Saga and Diamond Digger Saga that at first he would get upset and throw a tantrum when he ran out of lives in those games. It took about a few days of calmly saying, "I know you want to play it now, but you're out of lives. Why don't you wait for it to recharge and play something else in the meantime?" These days, he'll just grunt a little to let me know that he's out of lives, then he'll move on to another game without much of a complaint.
Example 2 - Meltdown
An instance of a meltdown was what I mentioned before, his response to sand. We also had another instance where he had a total meltdown. This was in the barber shop while having a haircut. For reasons we could not figure out, having his hair cut was a struggle. He would scream and flail and attempt to get out of the barber's chair. And the wailing would be so loud everyone in the barber shop could hear it.
It got so bad to the point I dreaded taking him for a haircut. I was in no mood to fight him and hold him down while the barber struggled to snip at his hair. And R was just as upset about it that just walking into the barber shop would cause him to start bawling and struggling.
Biel and Peske's Raising a Sensory Smart Child has a section in their book (as well as this page) dedicated to practical ways of dealing with sensory issues, so I turned to it to try and see what we can do about it. They suggested things like, letting the child have haircuts at home, or bring a favorite snack or toy, or even bringing a fan to blow the hair away from their skin.
So my husband and I decided to do some detective work. We asked the barber if he could spend some time to try and give R a haircut at home. He agreed.
And we tried it. Meltdown.
So it's not the place. Time to eliminate some more factors. We tried to change the cape, and used his regular towels instead.
Nope, no dice. Meltdown.
Finally we asked the barber not to use the electric razor/clippers and just stick with the scissors. We also took off his shirt since he wouldn't wear a cape at all.
And for the first time in many months, no meltdown. No screaming. A bit of protest with how itchy the hair felt against his skin, but that's it.
We did four more home haircut sessions before we took him back to the barber shop. Of course, no razor/clippers, and R is shirtless while having his hair cut. We've had two sessions there so far, and no meltdowns! Hooray!
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I'm hoping that this post would help you in figuring out how to differentiate between a tantrum and a meltdown, and the different ways in dealing with both. I also hope that my experience with R can help you in your journey to help your child, or even get to know yourself if you're the one with SPD. In understanding R, I was able to learn about myself and why I acted the way I did as a kid. And I pray that you and your child will grow closer as a result of this.
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